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A Father’s Emotional Speech to His Daughter on Her Wedding Day
But there is a widespread misconception that how Dad was as a parent is less of an issue, especially for daughters. The father-son relationship is universally seen as important — the world is aware that a boy needs a positive male role model as he grows into a man. The first man every female bonds with is her father, and that imprints on her so strongly that any later relationships with men — including romantic ones — are filtered through that experience. Daughters need to know that the first man in their life loved them unconditionally, as all her relationships with men will be patterned after that first love. Most women subconsciously gravitate towards men who accord her the same level — or lack — of value and empathy our fathers did. So if your father neglected to let you know how special and valuable you are, you may attract similar relationships with men in your adult life, unaware that you deserve better. Psychologist Dr Linda Nielsen has been studying the father-daughter relationship for over 15 years. Like researchers before her, she acknowledges that positive fathering produces well-adjusted, confident and successful daughters who relate well to the men in their lives. She smothers men and ruins the relationship. Or she is very distant, untrusting and emotionally cold and thus ruins her relationship. The list is endless. And as a further illustration of the profound impact this relationship has on a daughter, not only are girls who have positive relationships with their fathers less likely to develop eating disorders, and vice versa. Research has also shown that such girls are likely to enter puberty later. Likewise, when a father is absent, distant or the relationship is unsupportive, a daughter is much more likely to experience an early onset of menstruation. Because when a girl is not getting the attention and affirmation she so desperately needs from her father, puberty is triggered prematurely in an unconscious — and heartbreaking — attempt to attract the attention of other men, instead. All children need their parents to mirror them back to themselves, with love. This is not a nice-to-have. For her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health, a girl needs to know that she is important and visible to her father, loved by him, and special to him. Where his manner of relating to her deviates from this is where the problems start. Our childhood experiences — good or bad — literally hard-wire our brains, and much of the wiring takes place in our earliest years. In extreme cases, this can negatively impact — not only in girlhood, but in adulthood too — how her nervous system and all the other systems of her body function stress will do that, as explained here , which will in turn affect how she feels in herself, and how she relates to others. One of my coaching clients gave me permission to share her story. N is in her late 30s and enjoyed a privileged upbringing. But her relationship with her father has been a source of great pain in her life. He provided for the family and was always there for his children when needed, but his manner of relating to N alternated, for the most part, between emotionally distant, and harshly judgmental and disapproving. For a highly sensitive child this was devastating, and the pattern continued through her teens, twenties and thirties. But this time he also told her: Starting in her teens, N has suffered on and off from anxiety, depression and disordered eating. Again, our fathers literally helped to wire our brains during our earliest years of life, so if they were disapproving, distant, abusive or absent when we were growing up, their negativity towards us literally became a part of our psyche. As women, they may come to understand intellectually that it was nothing to do with them. I wrote this article for N and for all the other amazing women I know whose fathers have no idea who their daughters are, nor how special and remarkable they are. And I wrote it for the fathers, too. But there is nothing we have been through, or seen, or done, that cannot be used to make our lives more valuable now. We can grow from any experience, and we can transcend any experience.
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