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Asked by Jessie — 30 something — Montreal, Canada This is an issue that has puzzled women for a long time. Why does the man sitting next to you glance at other women? You have all the equipment she does and he still looks. See what our panelists answered this week, and our two men panelists chime in: My grandfather at 83 looked at a woman one day when I was walking with him. I figure its normal man behavior. Kind of like watching football with their hands in their pants. However, if it every made me uncomfortable, I would talk with him. Men will look, sometimes gawk or stare as rude as it may be and not even realize they are doing it. Hopefully he will consider your feelings in the future and modify his gazing habits. Marjorie — 30 something My first question would be, have you talked to him about it? He may not understand that what might be a simple action on his part is having a ripple effect on you. I would let him know, but not in an angry, accusatory fashion. Getting him defensive from the get-go will not help the conversation along. However, it is reasonable to expect that he will always be respectful to you and not do anything that gravitates towards leering. I consulted my partner Jim to get the male point of view. He thought the best approach is to be honest with your guy, and share how it makes you feel. He also offered up that if he treats you well in other respects, try not to dwell if he continues to occasionally look. The good news is that you have the power to change your experience without changing your Husband we all know how easy it is to change someone else. Take some time to listen to the thoughts you have when you see him look at another woman. How does it feel and what do you tell yourself. Tell yourself the truth and the truth only. Try not to make assumptions about what his looking has to do with him, you or the person he is looking at. Do your best to get very clear about what it is that bothers you. Write it down if it helps. Once you have gotten very clear about your own thoughts, feelings and assumptions, you are ready to talk to him. When you are ready, let him know how it makes you feel when he looks at other women. Make sure you take responsibility for your discomfort. One more little tip — the minute you stop caring about this, he will probably stop looking at other women. When we let go and allow things to be the way they are — they usually change. It is when we are resisting the change, that things get harder. But I think you could ask your hubby to be more discreet-I am assuming that you are saying that you see him looking at other women. So, what is a guy to do? What you can do is communicate with your husband and tell him it bothers you. If he respects you, he will tone it down and cut the drooling to a minimum and save the comments for a nearby locker room. If he is using it as a power play to rouse up your insecurities, you had better confront him with that pronto. A couple of hints to take the wind out of his sails. If he comments, agree with him that she is a knockout. If he is just looking, ignore him and find a handsome dude in the room that you can say would make a terrific partner for her. At all costs, avoid making it a controversial topic. Marge — 70 something Now…from the man side of things: Well, I have to say embarrassingly, I fall into that category. Lucky for me, my wife knows that looking is all I do. Should be no surprise there. It is human nature to look at others. It is not very realistic to make him stop looking. Hopefully that is not the case. But if not, ask him why he looks. Maybe the lady he is looking at does something he likes. Dresses a certain way, cuts her hair different etc. Maybe the wife could do something like that to make her husband happy. Hopefully spouses are doing things like that to please their mate. Hopefully he is not staring when he looks. That should never be acceptable. I would think that is a very awkward situation for the wife if he were doing that. So to answer the question, you will never get him to stop looking. Probably not the answer you are looking for, but as long as the man is not staring, making noises or whistling at the lady, try to let it go. He was of course referring to his bride Joann Woodward. Men are visually-oriented and women are visually pleasing creatures. That being said, I think it is natural for a man to notice an attractive woman. However, I think continually noticing a woman could indicate a problem. Open and honest communication about it would be in order if it is truly bothering you. Jason — 40 something.
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