Ways to get over someone you love. Two ways to tell if someone is really serious about recovery.



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Ways to get over someone you love

Speaking of criticism, I think there are two ways to interpret criticism that can keep us from losing our cool and turn a potentially negative encounter into a positive one: Recognize the truth in the criticism. We really can learn to focus our attention on what is being said while ignoring how it is being said. The critique just may be accurate or partially so and our offense, and resulting defensiveness, can prevent us from catching an area of needed growth. If we truly hunger for truth and personal improvement, we can even learn to feel a degree of gratitude for a blind spot having been made visible by someone who was willing to take the time to point it out, even if delivered in an awkward or irreverent tone. The critique is a reflection of the critic, not me or my work. Then if you add the assumption that buried below the surface of a cranky delivery, there was a benevolent motive, then life can go on just as sunny and cheery as if no criticism was ever delivered in the first place. Thanks for your input and kind words, my friend! Have an amazing week! Reply Great list of tips here, Ken! Dave Reply Excellent points, Dave. So true about recognizing that offenses can come from a place of insecurity in the offending person as a way to pull others down to feel better about themselves and their own dissatisfying lives can certainly make dismissing their offenses easier. I truly appreciate the insight you bring on ego and trait- or condition-specific insecurities. You are dead-on about feeling more vulnerable to criticism of those parts of us that we feel insecure about. You add a wonderful level of depth to the topic. I would also distinguish between feeling vulnerable and insecure from that of being offended. Thanks again for the clarity and insight you brought here. Keep up the good work you do! And have an awesome weekend, Dave. Thankyou Ken Wert said: If not, or if things are such that whether upward swinging or not, life just plain hurts a bit, please take courage in this thought at least: They simply live under the weight and burden of their difficulties, wishing things were better, maybe trying to change things, but never taking action to learn new ways of climbing the mountain called life. So whether here at Meant to be Happy or elsewhere, keep looking, keep searching, keep reading, keep learning, keep growing. And in that process, life will fill with a greater sense of joy. Nice meeting you Connie, and welcome to M2bH! I am very thankful for your article, but I am struggling with something that I feel is too big for me to deal with. After six years of living abroad I moved back to my home country. The parents are as much the offenders as the children are. I have witnessed rudeness from an eldery lady. I feel so horrible about the situation. I miss the attitude I got used to over the past years: Over the past six months I have practised nothing but kindness, friendliness and optimism. And yes, people do react to that, but as soon as you are in the car or on your bike or in any other anonymous spot, it is the same story again. I call it a lack of respect for other living beings. Trying to talk to other people about it makes them feel very offended it might be I am just too passionate about this but I try not to make it personal, more a general thing. And I am aware it is not the people that are horrible, it is their behaviour. And many people agree, but just think nothing can be changed. I would love it if their behaviour could change, so we can make this a nicer world. One where we help each other, just because we can. Any tips for a desperately seeking positivity person? Reply So sorry for the delayed reply, Eveline. I experienced the same things back a whole bunch of years ago after returning home from a two year stay in Taiwan. The first thing I noticed was how rude and impatient and inward-focused people were back home. It was so striking when you got home because the norm was somewhere else with a different culture. Let your life shine so brightly in how you treat others that they have no option but to smile and be kinder and respectful. I did this with one woman who always snarled and grimaced at everyone. I decided to make her my project. So everyday I would shout out my most chipper greeting and ever day she would scowl at me. I kept it up for nearly half a year. After break, I waled by her place again. She stopped me and said how much she had missed seeing me those weeks. After that, she always smiled and greeted me. Reply sounds like a great way to get people to start repressing what they are truly feeling and push them further along the road to drug use, alcoholism, or suicide the things that people do when they get sick of pretending that they are not offended, rather than taking some time to acknowledge their true feelings and explore why they are there as a means of moving through them. Okay, where do I start? Some people are easily offended. They get bent out of shape over tiny infractions or worse, over nothing at all, over perceived slights and imagined wrongs. They simply are not bothered in the slightest over things the hyper-sensitive get enraged over. The bottom line is that some people simply think very differently about life, themselves and others. That would hardly lead to all the dire ends you so darkly predict. They would be emotional wrecks. They ARE emotional wrecks. There are ways of actually changing what we feel about events or sets of circumstances. True, they can go deep into their pasts and uncover events or situations that have created the emotional sensitivity in the first place. Many people have grown up getting angry easily. They will need to learn new habitual responses, new ways of approaching life. If not, would love to hear where you think my thinking is off target. Perhaps a direct assault on the ideas presented would be more effective than a sarcastic generality? Look forward to any challenge you may have. Reply hi ken — i appreciate the dialogue, and my response was not sarcastic. Thanks for the willingness to continue with this. The sarcasm was in the tone, not the message. No big deal though. I can wane sarcastic myself. It can be a powerful way to make a point. But I see human nature differently than you do, evidently. I know plenty of very immature, self-centered, negative, sour and thin-skinned adults. Some may mature by virtue of their life experiences, but not everyone responds to those experiences the same way. One event can cripple one person and empower another. That IS asking them to walk on eggshells if they are hyper-sensitive. You see, there are two ways to go through life. We can look within and learn and grow and take responsibility for our thoughts and emotions and reactions. Or we can try to get others to bend to our sensitivities. I think the former is empowering and happiness-inspiring. But I hold to my premise that those who are easily offended over everything or only certain things are still at an emotional disadvantage. Just as someone who is plagued by the fear of failure by definition limits their opportunities in life, so someone who is easily offended, no matter how narrowly tailored are limited in their happiness. But is God responsible for the way we were raised, what we think, our attitudes and behaviors? Do we have free will? Can we start with a good thing and tarnish it? Only when we recognize and accept that something is incomplete can we fill it in with the missing pieces. There are real people living in real misery because of very messed up ways of thinking, believing and behaving. To call these wonderful and perfect and good and whole is to freeze them int he still life of their misery. So being more like me or someone else is not the point at all. My hands are God-given, but I can use them to lift and shape and climb and build or I can use them to kill and torture and rape and murder. You speak of asking others to be less offensive. There are genuinely people who are offensive and we have every right to approach them to urge a change in their gruff and insensitive communications. Again, the title tells all. If a rude person offends us, then the offense can be justified. Suppose two hikers took different routes up the side of a mountain. One ended up on a peak that was not the summit. Ways to get over someone you love

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4 Comments

  1. Only when we recognize and accept that something is incomplete can we fill it in with the missing pieces. I truly appreciate the insight you bring on ego and trait- or condition-specific insecurities.

  2. So being more like me or someone else is not the point at all. Pain felt as a result of indecent people hurtling sharpened insults at the most sensitive parts of us is not hyper-sensitivity.

  3. Why would this work, when the "rewards" are just digital objects that don't actually exist? Nice meeting you Connie, and welcome to M2bH! No big deal though.

  4. It was so striking when you got home because the norm was somewhere else with a different culture. But I see human nature differently than you do, evidently. But us—we always played with one eye watching the horizon.

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