Validating identitiy. Melanie Tonia Evans.



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Validating identitiy

Unlike most of the girls in my class, my closest friends were guys. Instead, I found guys to be straightforward, simple, and relatively drama free. Plus, my interests aligned better with the male population — sports, sports, and more sports. For whatever reason, I just clicked with guys better than girls despite my best efforts. While being surrounded by my guy pals worked well for most of my life, there was a point where this became something I needed to think twice about. That point was when I began entering into serious relationships. Suddenly I realized that having a best friend that was a guy could present some issues and challenges when dating. But what was I supposed to do? It was a real conundrum. He trusted them, and it made sense since we were always spending time with them. These guys all quickly became my closest friends, and we all had a blast together. At the same time, in the back of my mind, I knew that this was a temporary solution. Down the road when I got married, I found myself in a new place and a new stage of life. I was married though, and I knew that my approach to finding friends needed to change and accommodate my new stage of life. What are the rules? Is any relationship or friendship with people of the opposite gender okay? There are a lot of questions that need to be answered about this because it really is an important topic of discussion. The Rules Rule 1 — Avoid close friendships with people of the opposite gender. Everyone will develop their own set of ground rules related to interactions with the opposite sex, but I think there are a few key guidelines that all couples should at least consider if not implement. Truthfully, no one should know you better than your spouse, especially not a friend that shares the same gender as your husband or wife. Rule 2 — Better safe than sorry. Most people who have affairs report that it started out with just small talk or minimal interactions. Then it developed into lunch, and as the two people began sharing more of their thoughts, time, and energy with each other, a sexual relationship ensued. So, a solid rule of thumb is just to avoid any sort of in depth conversation or alone time with someone of the opposite gender once you are married. Another ground rule, consider your spouse in every interaction you have with a friend or person of the opposite sex. How would they feel about what you are saying or doing? Rule 4 — Develop friendships with people of your same gender. It was challenging for me to reach out to some fellow females in hopes of developing a close friendship with them. I had been burned many times in the past, and I felt most comfortable with guy friends. But, I knew that for the sake of my marriage and my own well-being, I needed to stretch myself to cultivate girlfriends. Men and women need friends of their same gender. It helps to have someone who can relate to you, encourage, and keep you accountable to your marriage. It eliminates a lot of extra heartache and potentially dangerous situations for your marriage. Rule 5 — Run for the hills. This means that if that cutie at work gives you butterflies when you happen to get coffee at the same time together each morning, avoid that coffee time like the plague. If your friend is showing a slight interest or makes some off-color remarks occasionally, cut off that friendship. No matter how miniscule that flirtation, glance, or fluttery feeling is, it has the potential to develop into a disastrous situation that could destroy everything. Too many times I have heard people say that they are best friends with their ex. This is ridiculously dangerous. It is a recipe for disaster. Obviously there are some blended family situations where kids are involved, but beyond that, there is zero reason you should put yourself, your spouse, or your marriage in that position. If feelings developed once, they can easily develop again. So, just throw that whole idea that exes make great friends out the window because that is one of the worst opposite gender friendships you could ever pursue. Trust me, I know that it may seem a bit extreme to pretty much eliminate all friendships or relationships with the opposite gender. For me that meant starting from scratch in the friend department, and I felt a lot like I was in a foreign country trying to establish girls for my best friends. It was a necessary step though for me and my marriage. Your marriage is number one. No one ever regretted being overly cautious. But there are plenty of people that regret being overly trusting or oblivious. The best way to avoid disaster is to take three steps back. Whatever you think is acceptable; choose two levels before that as your stopping point. Your marriage is the most important relationship you will ever have, so treat it that way by making wise and prudent decisions with your friendships. Validating identitiy

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  4. What are the rules? Your marriage is the most important relationship you will ever have, so treat it that way by making wise and prudent decisions with your friendships.

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