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Top 10 Books That Will Make You Smarter

Top ten intellectual books

Vegas not crawling with Frenchmen 9. Hard to get change in Louvre at 4 A. Paris inconveniently located thousands of miles from nuclear test sites 6. Sorbonne basketball team is five tiny white guys 5. Vegas didn't lose a single inch of ground to Nazi war machine 3. Palace of Versailles does not offer double jackpot time every 15 minutes 2. Ten dollars won't buy you sex act in desert outside Paris 1. In Italian restaurants, only order food to go 9. Wait one hour after eating before getting thrown in East River 8. No horseplay while swinging on a meat hook 7. To avoid dehydration, drink plenty of fluids before being locked in a trunk 6. Always grasp knife by handle when removing it from your ribs 5. Always fasten your seat belt, even in a car compactor 4. When being held underwater, don't let flailing arms knock radio into tub 3. Don't be seen having brunch with Geraldo Rivera good advice for anybody 2. To avoid accidents at home, remember: Drapes don't have shoes 1. His Poetry Rates a Ten 9. A Chemical Process in Three Stages: Lather, Rinse, Repeat 8. Girls with Thin Eyebrows: Hideous Freaks of Nature 7. Cliff Notes Versus Monarch Notes: Two Views of Hamlet 6. Circles, Flowers, a Smiling Guy: So Many Ways to Dot the "I" 5. It took me a fortnight to get out of the thistles 9. I didn't know you could also get wool from them! It's not a bagpipe, but don't stop playing 7. What made you think I was talking about golf? I've heard of comin' through the rye - but this is ridiculous! Of course she's served millions - she's a McDonald 4. Care to shake hands with the Loch Ness monster? Don't be selfish; share your radio music with everyone else in the car 8. Allow your elders and ladies to jump turnstile ahead of you 6. Don't embarrass a victim by pointing out a fake Rolex 4. When two wolf packs meet in a car, the group moving from front to rear has the right of way 3. Victims who don't press charges deserve a nice thank-you note 2. Learning a few phrases in a foreign language can save you minutes of fruitless shoving and slapping 1. Don't be greedy; leave some valuables for the next gang of toughs Top 10 Duties of the New Japanese Emperor Validate parking for world leaders who stayed more than 2 hours at funeral 9. General Assembly by slicing tin can with Ginsu knife 8. Call Dan Quayle at 3 in the morning and scream "Banzai! Record "Your lights are on" for use in all talking Toyotas 6. Befriend Pat Morita; find out who's gay in Hollywood 5. Organize title fight between Mike Tyson and Mothra 4. Find "friends" for John Tower when he's in town 3. See that Yoko Ono's U. Defend crown every 6 months as required by World Wrestling Federation bylaws 1. The Chin Slinky 9. The Amish Outlaw 8. My Very First Beard - from Kenner! The Lunatic Fringe 5. The Radioactive Goat 3. You hear Tom's voice, even when the news isn't on 9. You think the new Whitney Houston song was written just for you and Tom 8. Your picture of Dan Rather suddenly seems so childish 7. You get a queasy feeling when he jokes with Connie Chung 6. You daydream about him working on his car with his shirt off 5. You pray for international catastrophes so there will be more special reports 4. You have videocassettes of is three MGM musicals from the '50s 2. You snatch his clothes from the laundromat dryer 1. Worm Pill Addicts 9. Dogs Who Use Cat Doors 8. The Evil Empire 5. Those Romantic Pocono Tick Baths 4. Falling in Love with Your Vet 3. Can I crash here tonight? What number president was Martin Sheen? When will we reach Elvis' final resting place? Can a man really be in love with two women at the same time? Why are your hamburgers square? When's the next showing of Captain Eo? Are you cooking beans? Who's the blonde with Weinberger? John Gotti's Top 10 Tax Tips You can deduct the entire piano even if you bought it just for the wire 9. Guys who escape from the trunk of your car may be considered business losses 8. No matter how much he relies on your business, a funeral director does not count as a dependant 7. You must actually kill someone in your home for it to qualify as "place of business" 5. Three simple words to the auditor: For a vacation to count as a business trip, return with pounds of heroin 3. Smart-guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than they thought 2. When reporting income, be plausible. No pizzeria in the world takes in 3 billion dollars a day 1. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner 8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby 7. Death of an Amway Salesman 1. Addition's Tricky Pal 9. Foundation of a Classic 8. Sandwich-making final project required 7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Restaurants and Car Dealerships: The Interlocking Economy 6. Age of Consent in the 50 States 5. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop 3. From "First Love" to "Looker": The interlocking Economy 6. From First Love to Looker: Top ten intellectual books

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  1. Batman's on our side Top 10 Rejected Prom Themes Is that a ring toss game - or are you just glad to see me? Smart-guy talk show hosts may end up with more medical expenses than they thought 2.

  2. Vegas didn't lose a single inch of ground to Nazi war machine 3. Professional bowler chaperone 8.

  3. In cold and flu season, use foreheads of feverish youngsters to warm dinner rolls 7. Every Thursday, it's torture night with the boys 8. No longer lists occupation as "Crazed Loner" on tax return 7.

  4. Plankton eaten by big dumb fish early nineteenth century 1. Tommy Lasorda chugs gallon of Slim-Fast; loses 20 pounds on camera 1. Does Roger Mudd give every tour the finger?

  5. Extracting one of his own teeth with pair of pliers 7. It took me a fortnight to get out of the thistles 9.

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