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TELLING MY FRIENDS I'M PREGNANT!
Here are the 13 most important things to remember. Feed Her Constantly Everyone knows food is important to pregnant women. But what the uninitiated might not realize is that time is of the essence. Feed that woman immediately or she will eat your fucking face. It means give her a snack before you leave for the restaurant. And then again when you get in the car. Failure to give that woman snacks will result in extreme bitchiness at best, and bodily injury at worse. And while some of that still applies, all bets are off when it comes to food. Get Ready to Gain Weight Notice how all the topics so far have involved food? But whatever the craving, one of the unmentioned side effects of pregnancy is YOUR weight gain. Yes, the guys gain weight too. Mainly because we inevitably partake in her cravings and all the extra junk food results in a spare tire. So watch your step. I knew MJ was pregnant and pregnant women gain weight. In my mind it was just nature progressing and running its course, and there was nothing more beautiful. But after the first times I said it, she snapped on me. Which leads me to my next point… 5. Pregnancy Brain is legit. But it soon progresses to things like leaving the basement door open in 5-degree weather and freezing the entire bottom floor of the house while simultaneously leaving us susceptible to a home invasion. Unfortunately, my pregnant wife does not appreciate my unique brand of humor whilst carrying our little parasite around in her stomach. The first trimester is by far the worst. You have a week window where her sex drive returns early in the second trimester. They swell up to gargantuan sizes, literally breaking bras at the seams and popping off her chest in a fit of Playboy glory. Not only that, but any suggestion to the contrary will send your pregnant wife into hysterics. Some sort of memory foam or pillowtop deal that makes you feel like 1, little angels are massaging you as you fall asleep every night? You become increasingly irrelevant as the pregnancy wears on, but the 37 pillows — including that godforsaken full-body pillow — become absolutely vital nighttime companions. I try not to let MJ open doors, carry groceries, pick up heavy objects, etc. And for whatever reason, that sticks in her craw something fierce. Their bodies are growing, stretching and changing to accommodate said life. But the fact remains, pregnant women are L-A-Z-Y. Case in point, a disturbing trend has emerged in the Daddy Files household the last few weeks. Instead, she brings them into the kitchen and puts them a foot away from the sink. Moreover, all of the coffee cups are half-filled and every bowl has a ton of soggy cereal remaining in it. Seriously, just think about you complaining and what her response will be.
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