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Fifty Shades Darker In REAL LIFE... (Matthew Hussey, Get The Guy)
I have never seen such a spirited and heated discussion on my page! It was clear to see from the posts on the thread that people were divided into two camps. One being adamant that the book was an account of a narcissist and a co-dependent caught up in web of unhealthy sex, obsession and abuse — which triggered them intensely, and the other camp were equally as convinced that the fantasy of the book was harmless, and they had experienced a great deal of healing and libration whilst reading the book. It was, all in all, a fantastic debate. I also post daily inspirational quotes and exercises for your recovery and empowerment after narcissistic abuse. Here is a link to my Facebook Page. So today, I want to talk about sex and the narcissist. I put some posts up on Facebook about this upcoming article, and I received a great deal of responses and input from the Community in the way of posts on the thread and many private messages. Thank you so much everyone for your contributions; they have played a definite part in the creation of this article. I have included some of the public comments to assist bringing through the point in question. I sincerely hope, because this Community is all in this together — healing and evolving, that when you see yours, you will graciously understand why I have included some snippets. Please, know with the volume of messages I receive, it is impossible for me to answer you all personally, and I take this opportunity to thank you for being involved in this topic and sharing your inner life so authentically with me. But we are all adults, and I think it is time! This is when two people can melt into each other in total surrender and become an explosion of joy and bliss infinite times greater than the individual parts of themselves. Naturally, this is a very enticing state sought by many. Many people want to have the ultimate sexual spiritual experience that I have described. Many people desire sex, however, the reason for the desire is all important. Do we want to have sex to escape our inner pain? Are we trying to run from our woundedness by having sex? Do we want to have sex with someone so that we can feel loved? Do we want to have sex in order to gain control of another person? Are we dazzling someone with sex so we can keep this person from really knowing our fears, our inadequacies, and the parts of ourselves we feel they will reject if they find them out? As sexual adults, have we experienced this level of true divine sexual communion, or have we just been having great body orgasms? We have no ability to grow, develop, heal or change any of our patterns or experiences until we take responsibility for them. And how we can STOP feeding narcissists the very lifeblood that enables them to exist and operate. Those of you who thought this article would just be a crack at the narcissist may be disappointed. Many, many people believe opposites come together. Many abuse forums love pushing this theory. Why is it so powerless? In all the work I have ever done helping people heal from narcissistic abuse, the most powerful and lasting results have always come from healing what it is within ourselves that matches the narcissist. Time and time again, finding and targeting those wounds have proven conclusively to be the total reason for the hooks, the obsession, the pain and the powerlessness — and once these wounds are addressed and released — true liberation begins. As such, for me to be true to my work and mission — which is to help people raise their own consciousness in order to heal from abuse — I have included in this article powerful self-reflections so that the truth can start to set you free. I promise you this: This presents an incredible opportunity to embrace self-reflection in order to heal into your fullest potential — if you accept the truth of this. Great Sex With a Narcissist Some people report great sex with the narcissist. I will get to these later. The narcissist is incredibly capable of deceiving, acting and using any method necessary to produce the desired result. Sex is no different. When you understand this, you know that the multiple orgasms they insisted on you having had nothing to do with wanting to please you, despite the declarations that they were. The truth is, if you are making love with a narcissist; you are the object they are masturbating with. The narcissist is only making love to his or her true master — a twisted, demanding , never-satisfied and never-reassured False Self. I have received many messages, emails and posts, and conducted research over the years on the people who had great sex with narcissists. The common thread I find is that the person the narcissist acts it out with is also highly sexed. What is commonly reported by the partners, who enjoy regular and great sex with narcissists, is: This provides one of the greatest power trips for a narcissist: I can infiltrate you, your body and your psychic space to get a feed, no matter how badly I treat you. Being able to be turned on after feeling powerless, helpless and emotionally devastated — if we are honest with ourselves — is absolutely NOT healthy either. Can you imagine if your child grew up playing that out; how concerned you would be? In fact, the narcissist commonly was using this weapon and power-trip on many others as well. The truth is, if we are addicted to sex to try to fill an inner empty void, and selling our soul to receive it, we are very, very susceptible to being abused at an incredibly deep violating level. We also keep supplying narcissists with all the feedback that says: Narcissistic supply Sex is one of the most powerful methods a narcissist has to procure narcissistic supply — the attention that allows the narcissist to know that he or she exists. It provides copious amounts of psychic energy granted by another, as well as secures people as an ongoing source of narcissistic supply. Narcissists are consummate liars, and have no issue in telling someone what they want to hear in order to hand over sex. Narcissists are the ultimate sexual predators. Narcissists commonly have back-up supplies. They store sexual sources — akin to crocodiles keeping lumps of meat under rocks for a future meal. Facebook Members posted these comments about this topic: So he was in multiple stages of relationships simultaneously like revolving doors. Addictive relief Sex also grants the added bonus of a heightened state, which provides relief. Like all activities, which provide altered and heightened states, such as alcohol, drugs, gambling or extreme sports, sex is a common obsession with addicts. Narcissists traditionally are not fussy who it comes from, or in what form — and this can sometimes include same-gender sex, even if the narcissist declares being straight. I was not surprised when many people in the Community posted and messaged me about the seedy sexual discoveries and even promiscuous bi-sexuality their narcissistic partners were involved in. Narcissists seldom use sexual protection, and have no conscience about putting others at risk of sexually transmitted diseases. All addictions boil down to the same compulsion — I am escaping facing and dealing with the emotional anxiety within myself, by using an addiction to self-avoid. It is the relief of escaping self that is so addictive for the narcissist or any addict. This is the plight of sex with the narcissist: That is not genuine love. By stark contrast, it is pathological obsession. ALL pathological obsession leads to pathological abuse. Facebook members posted these comments: It was a brutally humiliating crescendo to the final act in my play of narcissistic players. Power Seeking Sex grants the narcissist another bonus — power wielding. This point, Number 3, deserves much more explanation than the previous two points — because there is many, many ways a narcissist can use sex to power-trip. Many of them find it is incredibly easy to make the right sounds and promises to create someone trusting, opening up and bearing their bedroom, body and life to them. Those who discover the extent of what narcissists will say and do to get people handing over sex, are naturally shocked. I received that proof myself, as I know many of you did as well. Many narcissists are excited and turned on by a challenge. They tend to quickly devalue sources, who they get bored with quickly, and prefer someone who is not so easily manipulated. Sexual conquering is a powertrip for the narcissist. The narcissist can demean and exploit sexually, push people past boundaries they are comfortable with, or withhold sex if that creates more emotional pain. If sex is a high need for a partner, the narcissist who may be sexually demanding with a less sexual partner can refuse sex and condemn the partner as a nymphomaniac, or taunt them with promises of sex and let them down at the last minute with excuses. Naturally, the narcissist is a master of projection and blame. This is what Facebook Members posted about this topic: I never made it there, since my body was wrecked and covered with stretch marks. Then have sex and think he must be so sexy to have so many women wanting him like that. There was constant pressure for threesomes regardless of how I felt and he would treat me like a failure for not giving in. The narcissist may send and demand pictures of sexual parts. This is what people posted: It really made me feel ignored and unimportant like a tool. The narcissists that decide to use withholding sex as a weapon to hurt their partners, can do so by flirting and promising sex, then reneging at the last moment — and twisting facts to blame that person — or may label them a sex addict. What is the guilt or shame I carry about my own sexuality? The narcissist may insist on watching porn, or using sex-enhancing drugs, such as viagra, even if that is not something that their partner would normally do. This is what Community Members wrote in regard to this topic: All his fantasy obsessions were of school girls which makes so much sense now that he has a new supply barely out of her teens. He was setting up a new fantasy long before I walked out. All the time he was degrading me with emotional abuse. I realize now it was all about power and control. He was also addicted to porn, online dating and strippers.
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