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How to overcome your breakup and why it’s so painful
There must be 50 Ways to leave your Lover. By Shari Schreiber, M. If you suspect that you have these traits, please leave this website and redirect your attention to alternative web content, which might feel more congruent with your personal views and needs. Virtually anyone can write a 'how-to' manual about leaving a Borderline, but this is not a behavioral issue--if it were, you'd have gotten out long before now. This literature attempts to help you understand the intricate conflicts you face about leaving this person, and assists you in making a sound decision to exit this toxic relationship, and avoid subjecting yourself to more trauma. You could have been wrestling for awhile with leaving your Borderline, due to the substantial levels of stress and drama you've had to endure, since it got started. And then of course, there's the unbelievable chemistry that keeps you wanting more. If you've been with a Borderline Waif , the prospect of deserting this fragile, needful lover is even more daunting, because you're trapped between sensing this ship is about to sink and saving yourself, or remaining, and going down with it. Still, it shouldn't be so hard to walk out on this deal, right? Walking away is the easy part. The toxic turmoil that goes on inside you afterward, is precisely why this was written. You'll vacillate between guilt if you leave, but repetitious bouts of shame if you stay. Paul Simon's song, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover is upbeat and fun, but it addresses your very difficult decision. Listen to the YouTube video. You'll feel a bit lighter. Your motivation might finally come from recognizing that this prize isn't worth the price you're paying to remain. This probably isn't the best or most admirable way to exit this relationship, but the sad reality is, it might be your safest and most sound option. If you're frowning more than you're smiling, make concrete plans to get out! If you've already exited this affair, it catalyzes such intense self-doubt and turmoil, you can barely give your focus to anything else. Some of my other materials reveal sixteen myths about Borderlines, that will effectively help you navigate your way back to stability and sanity. And yes dear, rest assured that this insanity you're presently experiencing, is only temporary! Some people have such self-judgment and guilt over the idea of leaving, they develop life-threatening diseases that ultimately force their departure by death. In short, now there's something 'outside' their control, that has allowed them to exit this toxic and tormenting dynamic. Throughout my practice, I've seen how the monumental stress of a relationship with a borderline disordered individual, can literally kill you! Try to remember, you're not separating from "a disorder," you're separating from a human being. It's far easier to think about running away from an affliction, than an individual who wrestles with one, and this difficulty is addressed here. A solid rule of thumb for your future is, never get involved with someone who has more problems than You. The best exit method is to keep it short and sweet. You might have a tendency to blame her, or point out all the reasons you need to depart, but this will only relieve your guilt about ending it, and be harmful and shaming to the Borderline. This is not an effective or compassionate departure strategy! Express that you've cared for and appreciated her, but this relationship is no longer a solid fit for you, and you need to move on. Friendship involves mutual trust, caring and respect, which has never been at the foundation of this relationship. If it wasn't there when you were sleeping together, it isn't gonna be there when you're not! Anticipate and expect that you'll be experiencing some mixed and conflicting and difficult feelings for awhile, once you walk away from this relationship. This is normal, which is why you've put off leaving for this long! We're programmed from an early age to think that 'right' choices or decisions result in good feelings, but that's seldom true. Emotional fallout usually follows, which tests our integrity and the strength of our convictions. Whenever hard emotions follow correct choices, we second-guess ourselves, and presume we made the wrong choice! This could leave you doubting your perceptions of that relationship after the break-up, and thinking you should return. Surrendering your 'stuff' can mean to him or her that it's really over. If you're considering leaving, it's best to start taking your things out of their environment, for you might not be able to get them back intact after you've ended the relationship. It doesn't matter how much your Borderline claims to hate you or never want to see you again. If you value your clothes, razor, watch, etc. If not, you'll be having to keep this door open long past when it seems much healthier to walk away and end all contact. If you've managed to get away, the Borderline may barrage you for months, with incessant text messages, emails and phone calls. It's highly advisable that you ignore all attempts at contact, as these will keep you hooked into depression, torment and deep despair. The craziness you've been feeling will intensify, whenever you listen to or read these efforts to manipulate you, so delete, delete, delete!!! Yes, your self-worth feels dependent on these outreaches, but try to take heart for now that their frantic attempts to get your attention, should only be thought of as a Bandaid for your long-held sense of unworthiness, and leave it at that! The come here, go away stuff doesn't end, just because you're not together. When you stop taking or returning their calls, they can't stand this loss of control, so they flip-flop between "wanting" you and despising you. With most Borderlines, there's almost no such thing as finality. This can take the form of solicitous contacts, after numerous months or even years. If you've had a bunch of 'hang-ups' on your voicemail, these are due to the unrestrained, juvenile acting-out impulses of somone who's extremely underdeveloped and unstable. At some point, you'll have to set firm parameters and limits for the Borderline concerning acceptable behaviors as you would with a young child , as this person is incapable of discerning or setting them for him or herself. This is hard--but you'll pay a much higher price, if you don't. The healthiest thing for you, is totally blocking their access to you, but I doubt you can do this before undertaking some therapeutic growth and healing work. Boundary issues typically draw intense media exposure, due to their bizarre or sensationalistic nature. Headline stories about women or men engaging in self-sabotaging, risky behaviors that put their professional and personal lives in peril, are most often generated by borderline disordered individuals. Whether we're hearing about teachers sexually engaging their students, or a wife who's severed her husband's genitals, we're observing a lack of impulse control that's typical of borderline pathology. Are you feeling incredulous or shocked by incidents reported in the news? You're hearing about the repercussions of someone living with acute levels of this disorder. Borderlines can be extremely tormenting and confusing, due to their paradoxical natures. You may have felt totally perplexed by their unpredictable, contrary responses to your gestures of care and affection. Indeed, this is actually the most confounding issue one faces with a borderline disordered individual, for as you love them more, they love you less. Your confusion compels you to remain, because your rational mind wants to make sense of these odd experiences, and this response is natural. The problem is, it leads to obsession. Clarity is crystalized, when you begin to accept that feelings of harmony and peace can mean death to a Borderline. They've grown up with such strife and chaos, it takes tremendous stimuli acute psychic, emotional or physical pain to break through their numbed out emotions, and produce sensations of aliveness. Borderlines can feel empty and invisible during serene times, while you may be relishing a brief vacation from all that drama and struggle! This peculiarity is central to why they pick fights with you after the calm or especially good times. It helps them feel something, other than nothingness or deadness. Some men have reported a willingness to die for their Borderline, and a deeply disordered individual might ask this of you, to prove your devotion! You feel such an intense need to have your affection returned, you could be " dying to love her ," but this essentially mirrors your own deep, painful craving for loving attention. He struggles to trust this woman he loves, but Stone's character makes it impossible, while giving us a spectacular portrayal of a high-functioning, emotionally impaired female with BPD. Reasoning with them is an utterly useless exercise that only digs you deeper into chaos and drama. Would you try reasoning with an infant? It takes one person to change a relationship not save it--that requires a commitment by both , and two to keep it the same or stagnant. The only way to handle a Borderline's acting-out, is to set very firm limits and boundaries for them, as you would for a three year old. If you're in their home or an environment you mutually share, you leave. If you're on the phone with them, terminate that call immediately. Very simply, 'bad' behavior must consistently be associated with loss of contact and attention. Otherwise, whether you're still in this dynamic or not, you're playing by their rules, not yours, and this ball has to remain in your court. I hate to say it, but the Borderline is an emotional vampire. When you have finally left this treacherous dance, you could feel like a shadow of your former self. Their skewed perceptions make it seem like you're viewing yourself in a warped Fun House mirror, and you start believing that this distorted reflection of you is accurate! You've been mortally wounded, and it's taken a huge toll on your spirit, psyche and body. Prostate problems, heart conditions, blood disorders, herpes breakouts, migraine headaches, glaucoma and cancer are just a few of the souvenirs guys have retained from these couplings, regardless of how physically powerful they were before they met their BPD tormentor. One of my ex's married a Borderline--and twelve years later, he was diagnosed with a Parkinson's-type neurological disease. They're divorced now, but it's too little, too late. The damage to his body and psyche has been irreversible. Again, if breaking away from your Borderline were simply a behavioral issue, you'd have certainly done it long before now, but there are some powerful emotional underpinnings to this attraction, which have kept you going back for more. To one extent or another, all of my BPD materials reveal and explain these issues in fairly concise terms--and if you think that no part of this has to do with your unresolved issues, you will painfully continue longing for somebody who's just beyond your reach. Because of the Borderline's profound attachment fears, they interpret this painful craving to mean it's "true love," too. This is not the norm, but it does happen. There's something about their connection with this particular female that touches on a primitive place inside from infancy and early boyhood, and makes this union seem magical, despite her deficits and disturbances. The very fact that you're struggling with the decision of leaving, means you have a degree of emotional health and grounding. That's the good news! The bad news, is this conflict you're experiencing, involves some nasty leftovers from childhood that are making it horribly difficult to exercise sound, self-preserving life choices, and extricate yourself from this mess. A child's emotional pain often goes unnoticed or unattended to by his parents, and so he learns to disregard it himself--or make it not matter, just to get by.
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