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Leopard Slugs Mating
Continue Reading Below Advertisement Like snails, flatworms are hermaphrodites. And as luck would have it, they too seem to have been reading up on perverse practices on the internet before they got around to mating. Since deciding who gets to be the man when you're both hermaphrodites is hard, the worms settle things the way all horrible fights at the bike rack after school were settled--a sword fight. And by that we mean penis fencing. And no, we didn't make that up, scientists really call it that, probably without snickering. The two worms whip out wood and battle each other until one poor bastard gets jammed where the sun don't shine and officially becomes the woman. So it's sort of like prison in a way. And by that, we mean earwigs have two dicks. Though some species only have one and are mocked horribly at earwig urinals, the ones with two tend to have a preference in use, meaning they're either right weinered or left weinered. Because the earwig's wang is delicate like fine china, if it snaps off they just switch over to the other one and go about their business. So far, scientists are unable to tell if a right weinered earwig that has to use his left shoots off with all the girly-throwing power you'd expect. Whereas regular, old fashioned, lights-off sex is good enough for most animals, the garter snake prefers to have sex in big, creepy orgies. When it comes time for the snakes to hibernate, they'll converge in groups that can number up to 30,, which is probably the scariest goddamn thing ever. Continue Reading Below Advertisement As the world around them warms up, the mass of snakes leave their den and get to thinking of doing the deed. When a female joins the crowd, up to males will jump her then and form a mating ball, which is exactly what it sounds like. The snakes coil around one another in an attempt to be the one lucky dude who gets to taste forbidden snake fruit, while the rest dry hump the hell out of each other until they can never look each other in the eye again. Note that some males will actually take advantage of this situation by releasing female pheromones. We'll leave it at that. As a result, the lizards are what scientists call "parthenogenetic unisexual pseudocopulators" but what we call "lesbo lizards. Continue Reading Below Advertisement However, proving that porn has many life lessons to teach us, the lizards still need another woman to get the job done. A butchy female, noted by her small undeveloped eggs, will hop on another female who has rich, robust, ready-to-be-lesbianized eggs, and mock hump her lizard brains out while some awesome jazz plays in the background. An alpha female in the hyena world passes on a super dose of hormones to its young that makes them extra aggressive, which increases their chances of survival. The downside is that all these extra hormones make mom awfully manish and since hyenas can't have man hands, they get the next best thing: A giant, 7-inch clitoris that just sticks out making people on safari feel shamed and emasculated. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Weird as that is, the further downside for the hyena here is that the birth canal is inside that giant clitoris, so in effect, the female has to give birth through a penis. This also means the male has to make sweet, awkward, hit-and-miss love to one, which can apparently take months of practice until he can line everything up right. Once the magical moment happens, she pushes him off and puts a cigarette out on his thigh. When they initiate mating, they snuggle up together and lock lips, which isn't easy when you have those bird lips known as "beaks. Continue Reading Below Advertisement Like so many off-putting video clips from Japan that find their way into our inbox, the birds mix sex and puking in a way nearly half our editorial staff are uncomfortable with. Yes, unlike some animals with their adorable-like-a-Disney-cartoon courting rituals that actually take the time to find the female's genitalia, bed bugs at some point just said "fuck it" and developed the most horrifyingly-named mating practice called "traumatic insemination. It is unclear whether "traumatic" refers to the mating ritual itself or just the fact a bed bug is packing a Johnson as sharp as a Ginsu knife. Continue Reading Below 3 Anglerfish The male anglerfish is born as and lives his life as one giant, useless freeloader. This is the boyfriend who'll move in and live on your sofa while he holds out for a job that doesn't require him to do anything. As soon as the male anglerfish is old enough, its entire digestive system shuts down. Since it can no longer eat or live on its own, it needs to find a woman to mooch off of. Once it does so, he bites her and releases an enzyme that bonds their flesh together permanently, thus making the male a parasite that lives off the female, releasing sperm whenever she's ready to lay eggs. So, while those teeth make them look badass, the anglerfish is nature's ultimate symbol of clingy wussification. Not unless he wants hundreds of needles in his dick. So how does the male get her ready? Well porcupines are apparently very European when it comes to mating, which is to say they piss on each other no offense to Europeans, we've just seen some movies produced in Eastern Europe and noticed some common themes. This tiny four-legged animal manages a six-foot-long stream of piss that soaks his potential mate from head to toe. So, accounting for scale, this would be equivalent of a human pissing for over feet, which we think would, in fact, impress some females. After laying her eggs, the female cichlid picks them up and carries them around in her mouth. Some males thus have spots on their lower body that resemble the eggs. They swim by the females, who see the fake eggs and, thinking they have dropped some, try to suck them in. The male then blows his load in her face and open mouth, presumably while his friends film the whole thing and post it on the internet. If you're tired of hating animals for getting laid more than you, why not read about some that are genuinely terrifying in our rundown of The 5 Most Horrifying Bugs in the World , and then read about some that are only terrifying once it's too late in The 6 Cutest Animals That Can Still Destroy You.
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