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LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT
Drop it in the plate. Smartt was fumbling in her purse for her offering when a large television remote fell out and clattered into the aisle. Three weeks later, a sheep walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. After the meeting the chair of council told the pastor: I have just created a hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Just try to remember that what we see before us is only the husk, the shell of your dear husband—the nut has gone to heaven. In the big inning. Eve stole first, Adam stole second. Cain struck out Abel. The Giants and the Angels were rained out. After the close of the service, the Church Board gathered at the back of the sanctuary for the announced meeting. But there was a stranger in their midst — a visitor who had never attended their church before. After worship the next Sunday morning, Sven greeted Pastor Larson warmly. I prayed that God would grant us both peaceful hearts and a fresh start. The congregation filed up to the altar rail, and the child watched in confusion as her grandparents received a wafer and small plastic cup of wine. Curious about what the youngster was up to, Mr. Ten minutes later he came out, walking upright and moving with grace and speed. After bitter arguments and many nights of lost sleep, he decided to leave the congregation to take a job as a prison chaplain. He preached his last sermon at the church on John He was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter who led him down the golden streets. They passed stately homes and beautiful mansions until they came to the end of the street where they stopped in front of a rundown cabin. The man asked St. Peter why he got a hut when there were so many mansions he could live in. It finally stopped raining as they rounded the corner, where to their surprise and delight appeared a vivid double rainbow in the sky. Sure enough, the older woman who answered, angrily demanded that he leave once she figured out why he was there and slammed the door. Once again it bounced back open. One more time she slammed the door. One more time it bounced open again. Moses goes down, parts the lake and retrieves the ball. God is talking to one of his angels. They head out, find a nice spot, cut a hole in the ice, and stick in their poles. They get up and find another spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles with great hopes of fresh Walleye. So, they gather up their equipment, choose another promising spot on the ice, cut a hole, and stick in their poles. As he preached, he drank until the pitcher was completely empty. On the way out, someone asked the elder matriarch what she thought of the new pastor. When the rest of the family returned home, they were carrying palm fronds. Annie asked them what they were for. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. The good pastor took his new diet seriously, even changing his driving route to the church building to avoid his favorite bakery. I can still remember the turning point in my faith, like it was yesterday: I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a youth meeting that night. The speaker was a missionary who told about his work. So at that moment I decided to give my whole dollar to God. I believe that God blessed that decision, and that is why I am a rich man today. I dare you to do it again! Kosher dietary restrictions made sense in ancient times, but when are you going to join the modern age and eat delicious, wholesome food like this? Then he blasted his horn, raised one finger and stomped on the gas. Moments later the clerics heard the sound of screeching tires, followed by a big splash. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring. We should have known… ONLY women would be able to drag a fat man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost. He got 25 days! What carol is heard in the desert? O camel ye faithful! What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? Peter at the pearly gates. I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him on the head, kicked over his bike, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. The hotdog vender smiled: She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence, but yet know that he was safe. The relieved mother agreed. The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week. Once inside, he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A young priest had observed his trajectory and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. The priest sat silence, finally beginning to wonder if the man had passed out. When the businessman got there, he was shocked to see the flowers with the inscription. Today someone was buried beneath a floral arrangement with the inscription. Any fool can honk. The first tells St. Peter lets him enter. Peter tells him to go ahead. I got countless families cost-effective health care. After that, you can go to hell. Our church was saddened to learn this week of the death of one of our most valued members, Someone Else. Whenever there was a financial need, everyone assumed Someone Else would make up the difference. Now Someone Else is gone! We wonder what we are going to do. Someone Else left a wonderful example to follow, but who is going to follow it? Who is going to do the things Someone Else did? The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences were broken down. The farm house was completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there were plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled with crops planted in neat rows. Peter greeted a minister and congressman and gave them their room assignments. And for you, Mr. Congressman, the keys to our finest penthouse suite. I could see how difficult just jotting down the message was for him, and then he signaled to me to come and take the paper from him. I will now read his words to you, which I myself have not yet read. A filling station was only a block away, but the attendant said they had no gas can for her to borrow. Sister Mary returned to her car to see if there was a gas can in the trunk. As she was pouring the gas into her tank two men watched from across the street. You wake him up. Scouring the Internet he discovered research from a student at an obscure university who hypothesized that due to weather and wind patterns, the Red Sea was less than a foot deep when Moses led the Hebrews across it. To find out what they were doing right, the bishop visited one Sunday, only to find the same 50 souls in attendance. I was just adding a few of them in. Everyone snickered as the badge was presented amid fanfare. Pastor Johnson just smiled. The next day the preacher brought it back. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. I had just earned my first dollar and I went to a church meeting that night. So at that moment I decided to give all I had to God.
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