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Are You The Partner of An Alcoholic?
You have been through it and you know the drill. Your husband has been unfaithful and you are unsure whether or not he will be unfaithful again. To make matters worse, your spouse encounters flirtatious women from time to time whether he is at work or out with his friends. You know that those flirtatious women provide low-hanging fruit for your spouse. Thinking of it all is maddening and you wonder what you can do about it, if anything at all. Still, you think you are over it, your spouse has learned his lesson, and you can move forward. Then, one day you are triggered. Maybe you are out at a restaurant and the waitress is flirting, making eye contact with, and touching the shoulder of your husband while ignoring you. Maybe you have dropped into work to bring your husband a surprise lunch and that younger co-worker of his is sitting on his desk and leaning into him while giggling. Or, maybe you overhear the receptionist at work making sarcastic comments about you to your husband when she thought she had you on hold. Her saccharine voice when she speaks to you cannot even begin to mask her contempt of you. The affair might be over, but I am here to tell you that you cannot get too comfortable. If your husband has a good job, is relatively handsome, nice, well-dressed, funny, or any number of other things, women will find him attractive. Let that little tidbit sink in. Of course, just as many men admit to the very same thing, but in this post we are discussing the female side of the threat. Think of a time when that many people unanimously agreed on a kind of behavior. Seventy percent of people do not have the same opinion on recent politicians. Seventy percent of people do not drive the same car. Think about it—it really is downright frightening. Add to that the fact that the same amount of men agree with this sentiment. I have had female clients who admitted to pursuing a married man, even the husband of a close friend, because he has already demonstrated his willingness to commit. But, then there is a final, deadly blow to fidelity and it has to do with the voracity and lack of morals of some single women: Only when the woman believed he was committed to someone else did interest in the male subject skyrocket. Interest skyrocketed when only one factor changed; that factor was that a man was married. When seen in that light, the flirty waitress no longer seems so innocent. The snarky receptionist takes on a more sinister tone. The flirty co-worker practically has a sign on her forehead that is flashing: How often does a spouse poacher win? Well, unfortunately, they win almost half the time. An article on match. A survey conducted by the International Sexuality Description Project, founded by Schmitt, revealed that up to 20 percent of long-term relationships began when one or both partners were involved with someone else. It just makes me want to put on a pair of boxing gloves. All of this information is not meant to scare you or to make you lose hope. I am blogging about this today because I want you to know that you do not have to take this lying down and there is a way to handle these situations effectively. Spouse Guarding There are many heated opinions surrounding the idea of spouse guarding. Opponents of it say that is ruins marriages and can come off as very controlling. The positive side of spouse guarding simply implies strong boundaries within a marriage , being proactive, being aware, and being assertive. The negative side of spouse guarding can border on crazy-making behavior. Fortunately, there are things you can do that are not crazy or controlling. Still, even if you take these positive and proactive measures, the would-be spouse poacher is bound to call you crazy and to undermine you verbally any chance that she gets. So, this comes with the territory and it is something that you will need to take with a grain of salt. It is better to have a would-be spouse poacher call you crazy and to keep your marriage than to have the alternative. These women will perceive you and your husband to be easier targets and she will assume that when it comes time for your husband to divorce you, that you will be understanding and cooperative. That is, the perfect victim. It is a must-read for every woman on this site and every woman who has either been through infidelity or suspects her husband of being unfaithful. He admitted to doing all of the things in the book just as the female authors mentioned cheating men do. The sad part is, this wayward spouse said he lost his marriage in the end and had divorced his wife years ago for the other woman. Apparently, it had not worked out with the other woman either and in his review, he said he lived with deep regret. Recently, I started to think I was a little too harsh in my boundaries in dealing with other women who target my husband. After reading the book, I also realized I needed to let every other woman know about how to deal with spouse poachers because it could make the difference between life and death for your marriage at least. This is the crux of why I am writing this article. Do Spouse Poachers Ever Stop? One of my friends gives classes at a wealthy assisted-living facility and has some very entertaining stories about the residents. Lunch at the facility looks more like lunch at your local high school cafeteria; only dentures and seated-walkers have replaced backpacks. Of course, the women somewhat outnumber the men at this facility and so there are sometimes quarrels over one of the single, male residents. She was not large enough in frame to compare to the other female residents, but her small frame was a plus for the lap on which she sat. I say more power to her because romance never goes out of style. However, the real problems started when one of the men in question was a married man. She keeps trying to seduce my husband with her chocolate. She is just waiting, hoping that I die first! Yes, indeed, truth is stranger than fiction. And as long as people are breathing, romance will live on. There are women who are dangerous because flirting with your husband is not enough—their goal is to take your husband. Sometimes these flirtations are not serious while other times a woman has the goal to spouse poach. Meet Your Friendly, Neighborhood Spouse Poacher I have categorized these women and in the next few paragraphs will describe each type as well as what to do with each type. I will also list a threat level between with 1 being the least threat and ten being the most. Insecure is never sure of herself. She flits from one man to the next like a confused butterfly. She is looking for validation in the eyes of men and her need for validation is insatiable. Insecure probably did not have a father who was in the picture or she had a father who said she was never good enough. Insecure has overly flirtatious body language and usually dresses in ways that are meant to attract the male gaze. Insecure seeks ego feed above all else and is not necessarily interested in a relationship with the men with whom she flirts — and she flirts with everyone who is male. Insecure except ignore her. Introduce yourself to Ms. Insecure, give her a compliment, and kill her with kindness. Femme Fatale generally looks just like Ms. Insecure but she has an edge about her that says she is playing for keeps. She is interested in drawing men into her dangerous game, whether or not she has a boyfriend or husband. She gets a kick out of a game of seduction. If a man is taken, the stakes in the game are much higher, and that makes the game more fun for her. But, there are still ways to deal with Ms. Before you go to work events, invest in a good hair-style and color, get makeover tips at the mall cosmetic counter, and figure out how to dress for your frame. Femme Fatale is around, make eye contact, engage her in conversation, and have body language that is confident. The way to deal with this one is to catch her off guard and to use shame if needed. Tell her that you are on to her and that you will make her life very uncomfortable if need be. Usually, the Femme Fatale likes her game to be a secret. Once someone exposes the game and shines a light onto her actions, all of the fun goes away. If you prove to be a formidable opponent who knows what she is doing, she will look for easier prey. If your husband is an executive or an extremely high-value man that most women want, you need to make your presence known consistently. You need to travel with him on business trips and be sure to keep up your appearance and wardrobe. You need to drop in with home baked goodies or bring him lunch unannounced. You need to stay on top of it and send consistent warnings to the Femme Fatale that you are not giving up. Femme Fatale Threat level: No Boundaries She is characterized by spilling every detail of her life to strangers within 5 minutes of meeting. Her problems constantly seep out into her environment and everyone at the office knows about her life and her problems. She is always looking for someone to listen and for a Knight in Shining Armor to sweep her off her feet. She is the star of her life and she takes the leading role of The Victim. She does not know how cause and effect works or that she is most likely the cause of her own troubles as an adult. She may not have had the greatest home life as a child, but that does not matter because when people grow up they need to take ownership.
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