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Why online dating sucks and what you should do about it.
And then his interest wanes and he starts treating her like an option instead of a priority? When can you let a guy know you are interested! Is dating just one big game? How do you get a guy to treat you like priority instead of an option? An excellent question that has been posed by women since time immemorial. There he was, totally interested, looking dapper in his buffalo skin while nonchalantly swinging his club at the cave entrance, offering you some freshly killed mastodon meat. There he was, showing up outside your castle window every day in his mostly shiny but frankly also a little rusty armor, strumming his lute and warbling his troubadour songs. What is up with that?! Why do men lose interest? What, if anything, could you have done differently? However, I do know that I have been that man many, many times. In the meantime, it still sucks to be on the receiving end. There are forces that strengthen the bond between two people, and forces that weaken it. For example, seeing a lot of each other generally strengthens the bond. Living far apart weakens the bond. Shared values bond; their violation separates. If the net forces bonding a couple are greater than those separating them, they tend to stay together. Otherwise, they come apart. So far, so obvious. Two strangers are gambling on each other, hoping something may come of it. In the meantime, an endless panoply of potentially better choices are just a swipe, click or happy hour mixer away. Why waste time when a better match is around the corner? Therefore, in the early stages of courtship, people in this age of electronic dating are in Merciless Elimination Mode. You support the wrong candidate? You own a yappy purse dog? Or a cat that sheds? And with the length of courtship going from months see: Emma by Jane Austen , to days see: If you think this is lame and stupid, I wholeheartedly agree. Relatives and pets die. Oh no, final exams! People get sued, sick, or sick of getting sued. Never saw either of them again. But in the early phases of courtship e. Time to move on. This is not the kind of thing you can prevent or control. The key take-away from this is that you should not take such vanishings personally. The guy was only so interested to begin with. Men will go out with you for all kinds of reasons. He actually likes you, but he finds your earnest Christian tendencies dampening his enthusiasm. He senses that your enthusiasm for sex is far greater than his. Do men really have all these thoughts? Well, this man has. And I bet many other men have, too. If you want steady boyfriend leading to marriage and 2. And if his interest in you is limited from the start, then things can only go so far. You flipped the chase. This is going to be tasty. Then, suddenly, the gazelle sees you from the corner of its eye, turns around, and starts galloping towards you at full speed. And it kinda does have pointy long horns… Ahh, do I really want to do this? Now he has to rethink the whole situation, perhaps totally losing interest in this particular gazelle. There was the girl who invited me to her senior year final dance in college who was all over me much more than I was all over her. There was the super sweet, cute Midwestern girl in med school whom I tried so hard to charm. There has to be a catch. Much safer to bail than to deal. And at a very primitive level, remember that men enjoy the chase. Why should he be thrilled about your taking away his thrill? Once again, more cluelessness than malice operating here. Best not to take it personally. Sometimes you have to prime the pump to get things going again. So you give him a call, send him a message, tease him a little, and make it playfully but clearly known that his company would be welcome: When were you planning on taking me out again, big boy? If he takes the bait, game on. He found a supposedly better deal. Once upon a time, I was dating three lovely women. Then I met this really cute, supersmart adventurous grad student at a party. We hit it off, the sex was amazing, and now there were four. And she was perfectly okay with my other liaisons. But if you would like to choose to continue with just me and get deeper, I would really welcome that. And, thinking about them now, they were great women. To them, it was deus ex machina, an abrupt end without explanation. But from this vantage point, you can see the submerged part of the iceberg. And you know what? So did I make the right decision? Was she in fact the better deal? Well, that was one of the most disastrous relationships I have ever had. The woman in question turned out to be a dedicated misandrist translation: This all happened before online dating became so pervasive, and way before the swipey apps. And before you get all judgey, were you swiping during a bathroom break when you were on a date with a guy you liked? The multiplicity of false choice means that someone you seemingly get along with could just go off with somebody or somebodies else on short notice. Your awareness of the existence of such choice also makes you reluctant to invest too much, dooming the whole process from the start. Not much you can do to prevent that these days, except to a select for people who share your relationship goals and are willing to invest some time to get to know you and b refrain from embroiling yourself in digital dating so at least one of you remains interested in the courtship process. There was something funny about the sex. Like most organisms, I like sex. It can be too freaky. It can be too vanilla. There can be issues with noise, lack of noise, or unkempt pubic hair. She may want to smoke weed in my bed and set the bedroom, apartment and whole neighborhood aflame. Perhaps people are even more particular with sex than with food. Judging by the sheer proliferation and variety of porn sites, the number of sexual proclivities probably outstrips dietary ones by an order of magnitude. So if the two of you find out about this mismatch the first time the clothes fly off, it may just be the last time. This has happened to me many times, often before sex even happens. And sexual compatibility is a big one, encoded at the deepest level of who we are — our DNA. For the love of the planet, keep on moving. A note about porn: By sheer volume, this forms the bulk of their sexual education, the setting of their expectations, and the wiring of their neurology. Because you will encounter some outlandish requests, and you will want to say no. Porn is the fast food of sex: Be wary of those who make it the mainstay of their diet.
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