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I Love My Dog More Than My Husband and Son
For the first 3. The idea of someone else talking to me, touching me, or being anywhere near me, made me want to vomit. Then, about 10 months ago, someone appeared out of the blue. This person was not pursuing me, and I was not pursuing them. But they appeared in such a way and at such a time that it felt like it was meant to happen. This person was not only a fellow widow er , but also knew my husband. We started talking, and over time, building a budding and wonderful friendship. We met in person in March, and our connection felt more real, because now I could touch it. When I returned home, I was very excited about this connection. Several people, even total strangers, told me over and over again that I was glowing, asking me point blank: This person is not in a place, emotionally, to move forward with me. He is very aware of how I feel, and he agrees that there is something between us, but now is not the right time. So, we continue to be wonderful friends, and I have chosen to trust in the outcome, and to have faith in the possibilities and potential of what we might become. Plus, I really do feel this is coming from my husband Don, and he would never steer me wrong. He has sent me sign after sign after sign, that this is him who sent me this person. And I am listening. Seriously — who does that??? Having someone to do things with on weekends. Go to dinner with. See a movie with. So, in a conversation with my incredibly smart friend, she suggested that while this person that I very much care about can only be my friend right now and nothing more, that perhaps I would be a better friend to HIM, if I were getting my own needs met elsewhere; i. This seemed like the most insane idea in the world to me when she suggested it, but the next day, I got an email from a popular dating site, offering one month free membership. Next thing I knew, I was creating a profile and putting up my pictures. That was about 4 weeks ago. And let me tell you, the past four weeks have been a complete shit-show. Here is what I have learned in four weeks: Dating on dating sites sucks even more. First of all, nobody speaks to one another. Nobody knows how to have a conversation. People no longer talk on the telephone. As in, right away. But you have time to sit here and type back and forth like robots? If the feeling is mutual and you both want to talk, the chat box opens up and you can type back and forth. The purpose of this is to keep everything anonymous and safe at first, so you can chat within the confines of the site without giving out phone numbers or even names until you are more comfortable. Then I started clicking on them. This is when I quickly realized that this was going to be a train-wreck of epic proportions. Here is just a short sample of a few of my first day chat conversations. And no, I am NOT exagerrating or joking. Names have been changed, obviously. Hi there, how are you doing today? Hey Darlin … sup??? Doing okay tonight, how about yourself? Hey baby, I love brunettes. You got nice curves too. Any chance you are kind of bossy and could boss me around and tell me what to do, insult me a little? Love your long hair. I like my women to be nice and clean , totally shaven. Then there is the category of men who chat with you, call you on the phone, have a number of nice conversations with you, and then completely disappear forever with zero explanation. This happened to me with 3 different people I was talking to. You gotta spend 3 hours rummaging through 18 racks of awful clothes to find one pretty good pair of jeans. No sense of building a foundation of some kind. No courtship of any kind, which is disappointing, because I really do love romance and courtship. The person I met a couple months ago is such a true gentleman, and I absolutely love that. Just mindless and pointless texting that leads to more nothingness. The whole thing is extremely depressing. There was one guy who seemed normal, sweet, and we had a nice long chat online. He gave me his number and I called him, and we had a nice phone call too. Our phone call was not sexual in nature by any means, but after we hung up, he sent me a text telling me how sexy my phone voice is. I said thank you and left it alone. Later, he left another one. The Champ is monstrous. The Champ is standing at attention. And then there was my first date. An actual human male that I met for drinks and dinner in person, a couple of weeks ago. We had talked in the mindless chat box, then on the phone twice, and he lives local-ish, so we agreed to meet up in the city at a Cuban restaurant. The evening was nice, but there was no spark between us. It had a friendship vibe, but we laughed and talked and had a seemingly nice time. I would give it around a B- if I had to rate it. At the end, we hugged each other goodbye, and I got back on the subway to come home. In that moment, all I could think about was how if this was my friend that I met in March, he would have been a gentleman and made sure he put me in a cab home, would have made damn sure I got home safely. It felt like he was showing off. By the end of the night, he was over it. The next morning, I woke up, and I decided to leave him a message on the site just thanking him for the date and saying I had a nice time, and maybe we will do it again some time. You know, because that is what a polite person does. A few minutes later, I received this message response: I do not date fat girls. You do not look fat in your pictures on the site, but you are fat in person. He had disappeared with no explanation, as these men seem to like to do. I was crushed because this is what is out there for me. Crushed because some men are so shallow and mean. Crushed because talking to these idiots and trying to navigate these stupid conversations and figure out what their agenda is and who is being honest and who is going to disappear after a really nice conversation — is really exhausting and not what I want to be doing with my time. On my drive to work that morning, just an hour or so after this had happened, I spoke to my friend on the phone. I had to pull over to talk to him because I was sobbing and felt like I was having a panic-attack. And it was the most real and meaningful conversation I have had in weeks — just sitting there pulled over in the car, talking with my beautiful friend — which is right where I wanted to be in the first place. Love after loss is not for the weak of heart, folks. Since that awful first date experience, I have talked with and met one really nice guy through this dating site stuff, and we had a really nice time together and will probably hang out again at some point. But the truth is, its extremely exhausting. What I have with this person, is special between US, and will remain between us. It really is like shopping at a flea market or yard sale, and I always hated yard sales. All I wanted was to go out now and then on a Saturday night, and have a date and be treated nicely and have that feeling of slight euphoria when you come home, at the thought of something new. Is that really too much to ask for? Apparently, it just might be. It is cruel, dismissive, and thoughtless. And people wonder why so many people drink.
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