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Unhappy Relationship Advice: Signs That Your Partner Is Unhappy And What To Do About It
Because, if you are like most people, you might be missing the red flags that you are in a relationship with an abuser. And slowly, steadily and irreversibly, emotional abuse — especially from someone who is supposed to love you — will erode your joy, your sense of well-being and even your mental health, driving you into paralyzing self-doubt, shame and possibly suicide. And the hard truth is that the fact that you are reading this indicates that part of you already knows that you are in an abusive relationship… That despite the best face you are trying to put on things — and even despite the fact that your partner does do some good things for you — that you are profoundly unhappy. And that you know — deep inside — that you need to make a change in your life. Only then can you make a clear, informed decision, and live the life of self-worth and love that you deserve to live. So take a moment and ask yourself if you recognize any of these behaviors in your partner or yourself. They insult and put you down both in private and in front of others as a method of eroding your self-esteem, which they hope will make you more dependent on them. In other words, they will hurt your feelings and make your hurt your fault. Brene Brown, the great researcher and author, notes that there is a difference between guilt and shame. An abusive partner will find multiple opportunities to point out what you are doing wrong — as a way to gain a sense of power over you 2. Can you name 3 or 4 things your partner has rebuked you for over the last week? That would be a red flag. Abusers Refuse To Talk About Your Hurt A healthy relationship is one in which you and your partner feel free to express what hurts, what scares you, what worries you — as well as your hopes and dreams. Are they incapable of taking responsibility for their words and actions toward you and others? Do you feel bad when you spend time with your friends and family? Pay attention to that gap between how much they want to communicate when you are around and their texting, calling and checking up on you when you — or they — are away. This is not jealousy driven by care, but jealousy driven by control. An emotional abuser will make you feel guilty or evil or shameful for simple, innocent interactions with others. Along the same lines, they will try to control your spending as well as your social ties. This is how an abuser reduces an adult to the level of a child, cutting off their autonomy, begging for money for the simplest things. If they do, then ask yourself this crucial question: But emotional abuse is far more subtle. But because emotional abuse is a sub-category of control, they will often resort to other methods of threat. Some will threaten to leave you — and blame that choice on you. Some will threaten to hurt or even kill themselves — and blame that choice on you. These are classic behaviors of abusers because they exhibit different expressions of one of their core traits: If you feel that your partner is making plans without you, if they are taking part in activities without you and if they are keeping secrets from you, disappearing and reappearing at will while refusing to explain their movements, you are likely in a relationship with someone who is abusing you in multiple ways. Abusers Make You Doubt Yourself Everybody feels self-doubt, sometimes, which makes this behavior so destructive and so effective. Sometimes an emotional abuser will deliberately lie to you to confuse you and make you doubt your perceptions. They will make you doubt their own observations, memory and sanity. Sometimes they will straight out deny what you saw. Sometimes they will attack your clarity, your ability to tell right from wrong, your intelligence and your good sense. Whatever the tactic, the goal is the same: So most abusers offer crumbs of love or approval or compliments or buy you gifts in order to keep you in their circle of influence or under their thumb. It is important not to mistake these crumbs that mimic affection for actual affection, which is evidenced by consistent behavior, not occasional blips or gifts. They will surprise you with a meal or a piece of jewelry or a sudden compliment or getaway. They will overdo their apologies when they feel as if their mask will fall away and reveal the cruel abuser beneath. Someone who is trying to control you will make that offering of love conditional. This is how controllers keep their victims off balance. By contrast, if you are in a relationship with an emotional abuser, you will awaken, live and go to bed in a state of anxiety. You will feel a consistent, irritating discomfort that you will unknowingly offend, insult, upset or provoke your partner into anger, disappointment or rage. There is a very powerful saying that the first time you get abused you are a victim. But the second time, you are an accomplice. Pay close attention to these 37 Red Flags above. If they belittle you for feeling hurt, isolated or manipulated, let them know that this hurts you even more. If they express concern, there is hope for your relationship. Let them know that there are behaviors that have to change for you to stay in the relationship. If they are open to that, there is hope that change is possible. If they are not open to change, not open to professional help to assist you in creating new habits, then chances are they never will. Not until you are prepared to leave. And leaving, when it comes to dealing with an emotional abuser, may be your best choice and the beginning of your freedom, your joy and your true life as a whole, self-expressed adult. Nothing less than your emotional health and happiness is at stake.
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