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5 Signs He Wants A Serious Relationship
Mark 27 Comments Call me cynical, but I have learned not to trust what clients say about their commitment to recovery. In fact, you may have heard the old joke: They really believe — in that moment — that they are committed to change. But later, they will not be committed to change. This drives spouses crazy. The most common question I hear from the spouses of sex addicts is this: You just have to hope that if your spouse expresses commitment to recovery, that this commitment will last. But there are two things we can look at to determine whether or not someone means what they say. If you want to know whether recovery is important to someone, consider how much time they commit to recovery actions going to support groups, doing recovery reading, making contacts with recovery friends, etc. The pattern of addiction developed over years — even decades. Countless hours have been spent over the years in fantasy and various acting out behaviors. Habits were formed, neural pathways were forged. These processes will not be changed without diligent, ongoing effort. If someone claims commitment to recovery, and skips or drops out of their support groups, slacks off their recovery work, stops seeing their therapist after a few months, they are kidding themselves. There might be exceptions to this, but they would be exceedingly rare. Just look at your calendar. How much time are you spending doing recovery work? If you are not making enough time for recovery work, then change your commitments. Make sure you schedule the rest of your life around recovery, instead of scheduling recovery around the rest of your life. Put your recovery commitments in first, then build the rest of your schedule around them. This might raise the question for someone: It depends on a host of factors. They will most likely sympathize with you, remind you how busy you are, and commiserate with you about how hard recovery is to fit into our crowded lives. Talk instead with someone who has built significant, long term recovery. Checkbooks never lie If you want to know what someone values, see what they spend money on. I know, I know. It seems self-serving for me to write about this, because I offer programs for recovery that people pay for. Over the years I have spent thousands of dollars on therapy and recovery programs. In fact, my wife and I took out a second mortgage on our home to pay for me to go to a treatment center some years ago. Those were the best dollars I ever spent. Yes there are free recovery resources around, and by all means we should use them if they are helpful. It only makes sense to find the best resources available to us that we can afford. How much are you investing in your recovery? So if someone is telling you that he or she is committed to recovery, and you wonder if you should believe them … stop listening to their words. Instead, look at their calendar and their checkbook. November 4, at 7: However,we are unable to discuss his sexual addiction. It is the elephant in the room. He has been in the journey to recovery for about two years, but he is unwilling to share any progress with me good or bad. Our relationship is very superfical and it is very painful not knowing anything. His attitude seems very rebellious and his heart seems very hard. THere are no outward signs of transformation.
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